I think "sun" was a poor choice for a word. Every line in it fell short of the others. Very good otherwise.
I wrote this in Creative Writing, it is formatted in a form called Sestina. It’s simple, but challenging. Each stanza is 6 lines, and the last word of each line is then used in every stanza after that. The last stanza doesn’t have a set length, and the words can be in any order. I hope you like it!
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A wild insane thought
A sparkling twinkle of laughter in the eye
A jubilant smile
From an old man
Who laughed himself to death
While sitting in the window with the sun
Cool autumn sun
A new thought
I wink at death
He catches my eye
He walks by, taking a man
With a quick smile
There is no smile
There is no sun
Poor sad man
A mind with no thought
Miserable dull eyes
Begging for death
There is no pain in death
There is no smile
In her eye
Basking in the warm wonderful sun
A senseless thought
To meet the man
No man
Wants to see her in death
Hoping no action would take place with that thought
They want to see her smile
To see the laughter in her eyes
The close…her eyes
A powerless man
Weeps at the sun
He curses death
There is no smile
Only hurt and a thought
A smile and a thought
Her eyes are closed but
The sun and death
Take her to the man
I think "sun" was a poor choice for a word. Every line in it fell short of the others. Very good otherwise.
The underlining is to show how the sestina works. There is a certain order the words have to go in.
I have to say, it looks really fun to do, but an explanation would have been fine. Your underlining it went a little overboard...
Even so, nice job. Awesome writing practice!
the stanzas didn't really tie into each other, but with the challenge of the poetic compusure, i cannot bring myself to critizise you. it did appear forced in some sections, as is unavoidable, but you seemed to tie it all together well in the exceptional last stanza.
i must agree, as well, that the first stanza is the best.
BlackDaisy wrote:I really like this, especially the first stanza. And then the others are cool cause you switch things around and get new perspectives. It sounds like a hard assignment, and you pulled it off very well.
Maybe take out the underlines? It's kind of distracting. Unless you really wanted those words to be emphasized.
Nice job! I like it muchly.
I really like this, especially the first stanza. And then the others are cool cause you switch things around and get new perspectives. It sounds like a hard assignment, and you pulled it off very well.
Maybe take out the underlines? It's kind of distracting. Unless you really wanted those words to be emphasized.
Nice job! I like it muchly.
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